scratch-and-remember

Ok, so scratch that last post. I actually began using a previous little “poem” or rant: the one about the scratching. Here is what it has evolved into so far, though I’m not done yet:

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She scratched at her neck. The seatbelt was grinding into her skin. It always scratched her tender neck, especially in the August heat: August, that month of heat, vapors rising from the asphalt, where tires role lazily on top. The sun beat down on the tiny, cramped car. The warm cloth seats were starting to make scratchy imprints on the skin of her back. Music from the radio faded in and out as the scenery changed: small, white houses faded into yellow rolling hills.

It was the seatbelt that she was thinking about. The way it scratched against her skin. It was as if someone had taken a handful of sand was rubbing it into her skin, slowly, steadily.

The wind whipped her hair, and stung her hand as it slipped outside the window. Her mind wandered back to many previous conversations: “Put your hands back inside the car. You know I hate that. I hated it when we were together, what makes you think I wouldn’t hate it now.”

She stuck her hand further out. With her fingers splayed apart, it looked as if she was about to high-five every vehicle that she drove past, but of course this would not happen. Her fingers were perfectly safe. She brought them back inside the car, curled the long, thin, extremities, and pushed the nails into her skin, underneath where the seat belt kept grating. Her skin was beginning to turn raw where the belt sat.

She stuck her hand back out the window, and again her mind was pulled back to that previous conversation with him: “Why do you hate it so much?”

“Because it’s something children do. You’re not a kid” his voice scratched out. His voice was rough: the combination of cigarettes, alcohol, and long nights could do that to a young man. The cigarette smell in particular clung to him. It was not the scent of stale bar nights that so often floated around smokers. Instead, it was a sweet concoction of smoke, sweat, and Tide laundry detergent. She sniffed the air around him, scratched at her seat belt then turned her head to look out the window.

The scenery had been the same then, as it was now: seas of burnt grass billowing in the wind beneath a fine blue sky.

“You’re not a kid.”

The thought of him saying this made the corners of her mouth turn downwards. For how long had he referred to her as “kid”? How ironic that he should tell her to stop being exactly what he thought she was. She missed him calling her that. Maybe she just missed him all together. She shook her head, trying to draw strength in along with her breath. I will not cry, I will not cry, chanted through her head. I can remember him without crying, I will not cry.

She brought her hand back inside the car in order to steer her course more safely. Just the motion of shifting her left arm inward caused the seatbelt to gnaw at her. It pained her. She appreciated this. It was almost a relief to feel the pain, versus the emptiness she felt now that he was gone. She began scratching her skin, digging her nails in deeper, harder, just barely drawing blood. She used this same hand to wipe the tears that were beginning to fall from her eyes, falling until they burned the already burnished skin.

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March 23, 2008

I thought

Promises lasted for, forever,

Forever isn’t long

Length is measurable by time.

Time is an essence,

Keep it in your palms

Like a grain of sand.

Smooth.

Swiftly, light passes through the empty glass.

The smooth surface stays ever the same,

Unchanged. Its stubborn surface will not break,

Can not be broke…

Unless

…

When its in his hands,

Thoughts float about,

And the amber liquid flows down,

Ever down,

And she is lost.

The glassy luster is lost.

And the liquid makes him swoon.

And fall.

The glass.

Cracks, sparkles, shines.

Pieces pit against the floor,

Poking holes into the tile,

Cold shards flake in all directions,

Attacking, angry.

What do they do?

They didn’t know how they would act?

They are merely pieces of glass.

She can’t control her breaking.

The liquid pours over her.

It’s sticky, and stays with her.

She bathes,

The hot water against her flesh is her only release.

It stinges,

It penetrates.

Cleansing.

Yet the pain from the break is still there.

Shards, shards everywhere.

What is there to put back together?

She is the vase.

Empty.

Liquid pours out of her, and it will not

Stop.

Ever she cries out,

To the lonely, she is lonely.

Ever time escapes her,

Running, chasing,

Unattainable.

And she breaks, again.

She holds nothing,

Empty is the vase.

Hold her, you can’t catch her.

Do you want to catch her?

She’s lost from Lost.

And his liquid taints her.

Its inside

Even after,

Its inside.

He still fills her.

No other vase will work,

He wants to fill her, to fuck her,

But her pieces,

She is pieces.

You can’t fuck pieces of glass.

If you want something, let it go, and if it’s meant to be, he or she will return out of their own free choosing, not because they feel obligated. Sometimes a free spirit needs to prove to itself that it can still fly before it settles down in one place.

How to Handle Jealousy

from wikiHow - The How to Manual That You Can Edit

Many people feel jealous from time to time. Jealousy is easy to deal with, once you understand what it’s teaching you. Here are some pointers on working through your emotions and feelings of jealousy.

Steps

1. Understand the emotions. Jealousy is a combination of fear and anger; a fear of losing something, and anger that someone is “moving in on” something that you feel belongs only to you.
2. Allow yourself to actually ‘feel’ the emotion in a healthy way. When you start feeling jealous, ask yourself: is it more fear based, or more anger based? Recognize which part of your body is being affected. If you feel a dropping or clutching sensation in your stomach, it’s probably fear. If you feel a burning, tight sensation in your shoulders and jaw, then you’re likely feeling anger. You might also feel a combination of those sensations.
3. Communicate your feelings. Sharing your true feelings with someone without blaming them can create a deep sense of connection between the two of you and open up a dialogue about the path of your relationship. Use “I” instead of “You”. Instead of saying, “you shouldn’t have done that”, say, “I felt terrible when you did that.”
4. Identify what your jealousy is teaching you. Jealousy can alert you to what you want, and what is important to you. If you’re jealous of someone talking to a friend of yours, personal relationships may be important to you. If you’re jealous about money, you may have an underlying need for security or freedom. Ask yourself, “Why am I jealous over this? What is making me jealous? What am I trying to keep? Why do I feel threatened?” When you begin to understand what makes you jealous, you can begin to take positive steps to maintain those things, without the cloud of negative emotion that accompanies jealousy.
5. Change any false beliefs that might cause jealousy. There are often false beliefs that underlie jealousy and fuel emotion. If you examine the belief, many times, you can eliminate the jealousy. Some common underlying beliefs are “Everyone is out to get my money.” or “If this person leaves me, I won’t have any friends.” Beliefs are changeable. If you change your belief, you change the way you feel. Choose to tell yourself a belief that is nurturing and supportive, and you’ll feel better. When you begin taking steps to creating a happy and fulfilling life for yourself, you will find the anger, the jealousy and the fear will disappear.Dont listen to people who make you jealous.

Tips

• Jealousy is not the same thing as love. Sometimes, people think that by feeling jealous about someone, they are loving them. Jealousy is not love, it’s the fear and anger of losing love. Jealousy disappears when you are truly loving yourself and others for whatever experience you’re having.
• Learn to be happy with yourself and what you have. Everyone is different and each person has their good and bad qualities. Realize that you have the potential to create a better future.
• Try to talk about your problems with someone. Perhaps you feel that these jealous tendencies are a private matter; then, you ought to anonymously ask an advice column or similar construct about your problem.
• Irrational jealousy usually stems from your own insecurities and low self-esteem. Address these issues first.
• Be happy for the other person. Jealousy can represent that “I like that, it would be nice to have that thing or experience”. When you can be happy for another person’s success and happiness, you are allowing positive feelings to flow into your life. Instead of being angry, congratulate the other person.

Warnings

• If jealousy in your relationship is leading to control or power struggles, it’s a sign that there is an underlying issue that needs to be addressed.

Related wikiHows

• How to Identify if You Are in an Abusive Relationship
• How to Have a Healthy Relationship
• How to Tame a Free Spirit
• How to Not Be an Obsessive Girlfriend
• How to Maintain Romance
• How to Make a Long Distance Relationship Work
• How to Get Over a Break Up
• How to Earn Friendships Back

Sources and Citations

• Advice and Examples on How to Cope With Jealousy Practical advice on how to deal with romantic jealousy.

Article provided by wikiHow, a collaborative writing project to build the world’s largest, highest quality how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Handle Jealousy. All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.

1. Talk to the person affected. If you can’t tell them, at least talk to a close friend.
2. Start with an admission you were wrong. For example, say: “I’m sorry I started that rumor. It was a really hurtful and childish thing to do.”
3. Apologize for the consequences. For example, say: “I’m sorry that I’ve ignored your opinion. I see now that I really hurt your feelings.”
   • Only apologize if you are sincerely sorry. An insincere apology will hurt the other person more.
4. Explain yourself if you need to. For example, say: “If I had known that Jane Doe had the problem under control, I wouldn’t have gotten involved and created that mess.”
5. Explain why it won’t happen again. For example, say: “That was really foolish of me. Next time I see a situation like that, I’ll ask for details instead of jumping to conclusions.”
6. Give the other person space to respond. Depending on the situation, the other person may take time.
7. Let it go.

Apology does not mean you are bad, it only means you care.

 IQ Test

chels took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!“Takes easily and quickly to anything which provide…” Click here to read the rest of the results.

sometimes i view my blog as my online sketchbook. does anyone else feel this way? it seems to me that most people just use their blog for class information, instructional purposes, or, well i guess thats pretty much it. does this make me a loser?

so many of my friends are obsessed with myspace or facebook. i don’t even have either one of these. i have my umwblog. does this make me a loser?

i don’t spend hours of my time surfing the web for youtube videos. i’ve seen some, and their are a few standbys that i enjoy. but i don’t feel like spending hours of my life thinking of random words, and watching people’s pornographic interpretations of words such as: “banana” “soap” and “sweet cheeks.” does this make me a loser?

i don’t even own an ipod. i have a little dinky mp3 player that only holds like 50 songs– i don’t even know how to put music on it. i can barely turn the volume up properly on an ipod so i’m still skeptic about getting me own. does this make me a loser?

i’m not afraid of technology. in aspects i embrace it and wish to know how to do more- like with my blog. i’d like to add a new picture to the top of my wordpress theme, but i don’t know how. i’d even like to change the font colors etc, but i don’t know how. at one point in history you would have been considered a nerd if you knew how to do stuff like that. now, are you considered a loser if you don’t? i’m actually contemplating this. does this make me a loser?