What now?

i am a walking juxtaposition in my tastes alone…

i wish i could have been there.

i don’t drink. i’ve only ever had a taste of a sea-breeze once, and that was only cause i didn’t know their was anything in it other than cranberry juice. but i dunno. lately, i’ve been thinking that maybe i could. i’d have to start out slowly of course. i’ve never been interested cause i’ve always been exposed to the bad shit that happens due to  drinking. not to mention that i have like 2 alcoholics in my family, and thats the last thing i need to be. but then i go to a party and see all these girls who have had like one beer, and act like complete idiots. they either become whorish, stupid, or just annoying. you know the type, everyone is looking at you, like “why can’t she control herself, and shut up?” and your just sitting their thinking “yea man, i’m the shit!” then you see the pictures from that night and notice that you can totally see up your skirt, your make-up is smeared, you’re all sweaty, and o shit! you’re doctor just said you’ve got syphilis and you can’t even remember that guys name…

i don’t know. i guess drinking isn’t all that bad. i just…i think i’m going through a rebellious stage. not that if you drink you are automatically a bad person, etc. etc. maybe i’ll just start out slowly, drinking at my house and see how it goes from their. i just don’t want to lose my inhibitions. i know thats part of the attraction, but i hate the thought of losing control. i’m anal. what can i say?

i did like the sea-breeze. but i’ve always loved the smell of whiskey, and just sorta figured i’d be a whiskey-girl. one of my friends said that it would kick my ass though. o well. o! and i think i’d like b52s and irish coffees.

i already know now that beer isn’t for me though. i hate the smell. it makes me sick to my stomach. although i did grow to love the taste of **** after he’d been drinking and then smoked. but that was probably just him and not the alcohol.

we moved this week-end. my dad let me go. he was actually really great about it. i was almost ready to start crying in relief.

i feel like such an adult. i’m on my own insurance policy. i own two cars– in my name. next summer i’m gonna get a motorcycle, and then the summer after that, a little truck.

i’m just glad my best f. isn’t moving. or at least has the option to stay with us now.

i still don’t feel like i really know what it is to be an adult. people keep telling me i’ve  had to deal with more things in my life than most adults have.

i’ll have to finish later.

so my room-mate brought up a good point. i keep seeing anchor’s everywhere, like i said, and i mean, i am really “attracted” to them right now, and i just can’t seem to get them away. well, she was like do you think you’ve begun this attraction when you created that tattoo for ****? and i was like “I dunno?” but the more i thought about it, it was like, yea…i think it actually did start around that time. so yea, just a little justification for my new obsession.

Closed off from love
I didn’t need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you’re frozen

But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melted to the ground
Found something true
And everyone’s looking round
Thinking I’m going crazy

But I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling

But nothing’s greater
Than the rest that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I’m going crazy, maybe, maybe

But I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

And it’s draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I’ll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see

I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love

i love that anchor picture that i have up so much i think i’m going to draw it on my laptap.  now i just have to buy blue and silver sharpie markers.

i’m still working on my tattoo design. and apparently my friend wants me to do up another tattoo for him. and my sister wants me to draw up one for her. i think its really cool that something i come up with–even if it is just a basic outline–is eventually imprinted onto someone else’s body. its like they have a little piece of me on them for life, whether they think of me or not.  and its so flattering to me that someone would want me to do more than just one tattoo for them. i just, i think that’s really cool.